I will start by saying that it doesn't matter to me who gets eliminated until we get past the Final Twelve. Everyone before that will slip away, out of my memory, like tears in the rain. Usually the pre-Twelve choosing is full of great injustices and outrage, and invariably someone that deserves to be in the summer tour will be kicked aside. I will stipulate to that, and will not comment on the eliminations until after the Final Twelve. Unless something really pisses me off.
Orlando Bloom Lite kicks us off with a stupid recollection of his boring youth. He's dressed like he came out of the gay version of Predator and as we will see later on, David Cook has stolen his razor. He sings his most embarrassing moment, a theme that will be repeated time and time again. Who chooses your songs, stupidface? Get off the stage and out of my life. And stop making me think that poor little David A.'s heart will be broken if you get eliminated. I'm not buying it, or your wedding ring, sister.
And speaking of David A., here he comes, bringing his lyrical social and foreign policy to our living rooms. David A., we get it. The world is bad and people are meanies and we should all chay-ay-ange the world. You could be the sunlight in my universe, David A., if you could just brighten it up a bit. Stop getting your sixteeniness all up in my reality. What a waste of a performance. He looked like he was going to crap himself at the piano. I get so mad when a good song is sung poorly, or a great singer wastes a performance. Get back in the box, and do more, better, next week.
Danny also blew it this week and by blow it I don't mean some gay insinuation even though he is gayer than a picnic with Lysander and Demetrius. I mean it's 80's week, lady. Out of the fifty billion songs perfectly suited for your great voice and your showgirl attitude, you gave us this? I don't even remember the song. Was it Radar Love? It's a song I hate like I hate Radar Love. It was the song from The Coneheads I think. There's a BOMP BOMP in it. That's how bad that song is; I can only associate its existence relative to The Coneheads movie. Damnit, Danny. I hope you get another chance.
David H. apparently tried to make a "living" in his past by using his body and his talent as a "performer" and then he used the money he took from his "employers" to pay for his own "food and shelter", if you know what I mean. What a slut. I sure like this song, and he did just as much as he could do with it. Nothing less, but certainly nothing more. I sure hope he didn't waste all week practicing "What A Feeling", because IRONY.
Stop jumping around, Michael Johns, it's incredibly distracting and not at all rock. He is so much more style than actual substance. He looks like he should be good and I keep wanting him to be good, but he isn't. Like today, I had a lemon meringue roulade and I kept wanting it to taste like a Twinkie with lemon cream filling but it never did. It looked like a Twinkie and poked like a Twinkie, but it tasted like a lemonade-soaked piece of cornbread. There sure is a lot of gay imagery in this recap. Michael Johns is like that roulade. He looks like he could be something, but when you bite into him, you are really let down.
So I have some apologizing to do to David Cook. I'm sorry I said that you washed balls, or wanted to invite the public to wash your balls. I'm sorry I made fun of your very bad hair that is finally starting to make an effort to resemble real hair. I'm sorry that you have kind of Downs-baby eyes and accidentally look right into the camera and make me say "Constantine, knock it off." Because OH MAN, did you ever rock tonight. I was really surprised by this arrangement. It's such a wussy little song and at the beginning I felt as though the guitar really overpowered the vocals. But then he really started to sing and holler and just plain rock, and it was so great! I loved that Simon loved it, and I'm glad David C. is humble enough to be happy when he is praised.
Just when I thought I had seen the best of the night, Jason Castro totally guitar-fakes me and sings Hallelujah. Now, I'm only familiar with this song from its appearance in one of the Shrek movies, but I do know I really liked it then and I thought it really summed up how Shrek was feeling at the time. Jason's voice is like a sugar crust; so delicate, so sweet, so barely there but such an impact. He is as beautiful in the camera's eye as his voice is in my ear, and while I don't think he's our American Idol, I am very, very thankful that this show has introduced him to us. I hope he gets to tour. Again, I'm glad Simon liked him, because it really means something when Simon says "Brilliant."
Chikezie rounds out the night with 45 seconds of forgettable R&B. He was really shown up by the previous two fellows, but I'm sure his fanbase will continue to support him through to the next round. Or maybe not.
I'm sure we'll lose Indiana Luke this week (and by Indiana I mean Luke is like a hick from Indiana, not that he's an archaeologist). I'm also sure we will lose someone I like, because I'm never so lucky as to see the two weakest performers not make it into the top Twelve. Tomorrow night it's the girls. I can't wait to see what Amanda's last straw is going to be.
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