2/27 - Girls

Helloooo ladies.

The ugliest of these pretty girls are still better looking than the prettiest of most of the other seasons. Thank god there are no fat girl pity vote stealers. I actually can't find a pity-worthy also-ran in the girl group, which is refreshing. Let's get this party started.

Carly Smithson is the little mick that couldn't. Couldn't get her record sold, that is if you know what I'm saying. Everyone knows that Carly had a record deal. What you may not know about Carly is that she works in a pub. What else you may not know about Carly is that she is a daywalker. Tonight Carly looks quite pretty, though, like she has been infused with the blood of Joanne Borgella. She rocks the hell out of some Heart. Dripping with the backlash of America, I thought Carly was just a product of the Idol machine, but I have to say, Carly really won me over last night. What I found really interesting about her was that I could really hear her speaking voice when she was singing. She sounded great and will be safe until she's Daughtried out.

Me & Mr(s). Jones should sound incredibly dirty and sexy and private. Syesha really missed the mark on this. She has a pretty voice and she has pretty hair and she knows that she looks pretty, but can't you just at least try to feel the song? Perform it? I'm no expert. When Simon said "This song wasn't meant for a girl." I was all "YEAH YOU HEAR THAT SYESHA? Simon AGREES with me, that song was meant for a WOMAN." but then I remembered that song was really Me & Mr. Jones. Sure am glad I said that outloud. She's fine for the week, I think.

Brooke reached through the television and touched me in my special place. I just loved her. I can't imagine how composed you have to be to let your hands play a guitar, keep your voice singing a song, perfectly, and keep your face nicely toward the camera. I'm pretty sure that song was about me. That's right, I said it. She seems sincerely pleased when she does well and I get a warm feeling when I see someone proud of the good job they did. You should be proud, Brooke! I think she's safe in the face of the competition, for now.

Durr durr durr Paula and Randy durr durr durr. Stop pandering. No one hates Simon.

Ramiele Malubay is like Top Ramen to me. I forget how much I like her until I boil her up and then I'm all damn I wish I had more of this Ramiele Malubay. The comments about her performance were accurate, in my opinion. She is much better than that song, which went no where and did nothing. It was disappointing because I looked forward to hearing her perform. Also she looked like a fat gang member from the neck down. Maybe her stylist could tie some handkerchiefs around her calves to complete the look.

Kristy Lee Cook has a body like whoa. I have never seen such a thing. I wonder how many rodeo beltbuckles she had to sell to afford her big boobies. Those are some tasty dinners. She's absent in the face and her pants looked like the sails from the world's gayest pirate ship. I couldn't care less about you, Kristy Lee. Why the hell didn't you sing country? No one is singing country this year. You blew it.

And speaking of blowing it, Amanda Overmeyer's hair says HOW DO YOU DO. It's like she stuck her head in a spin-art machine. Who here doesn't hate Amanda Overmeyer take one step forward. Not so fast, Amanda Overmeyer's stylist. She looks like the very angry baby of Rosanne and Suzanne Pleschette (god rest her soul). Also she's the winner of tonight's American Idol Fivehead award. Additionally, and not a little importantly, you sound like shit. What the hell did you do to deserve this, Amanda? You are so rad and I truly love you and love your coolness, but this sucked the big one. I hope you get another chance. I tried to vote for you, but it was busy every time. When did I start addressing this directly to Amanda? I need to step back for a second.

Hey Gappy, nice teeth. We all hate you for ruining Hopelessly Devoted. Now we have to wait for at least eight shows before someone else can sing it. Way to go, stupid. Gunne Sack thanks you for showing off their latest from the I Love The 80's line.

Alexandrea's top half wants to be a revolutionary, her bottom half wants to be in a Pat Benatar video. Who paired ankle boots with Bugle Boy shorts? This year's look is Anachronistic Chic. When she's not playing for the WNBA, Alexandrea is smoothing out some Chicago. I really like her and I want her to get more comfortable and have some stage presence. I don't feel good about her chances tonight.

Kady something is as forgettable as they come. She can do some very accurate impressions of some of the most obnoxious people in the land while still making room for impersonating a skanky bitch. She doesn't know what to do on stage because she needs a character to keep from getting lost. She's not worth the time the show spends on her. I can only hope she's a better person than she plays on TV.

Asia'h, you are so brave to put the death of your father aside to audition for American Idol. When you get voted out, you will always be able to look back and smile. There is no way her father was a part of her life. I'm guessing he either was in hospice for many years, was an absent father and she had a single mom, or he was really Mom's current boyfriend. You just can't have your dad die on Monday and then drive for a day to audition on a Wednesday, you simply cannot, and her pretending it was so has made me hate her a lot. She could have done a lot better on this song but her voice flat-out failed her three times. I loved her final note, but what I loved more was watching Brooke in the balcony with her hands clasped tightly to her chin, rooting on and hoping for her fellow contestant to hit that last big note. Pure class, Brooke Smith. Asia'hs dead dad would be so proud.

Out tonight? Who knows, there are only about eight real competitors and I won't start caring about any of them until we get down there.