2/26 - Boys

Let me break this thing down for you.

The first guy up was Michael Johns. Michael Johns is a hotter, bigger version of the douchey brother from Wings. He was dressed in his Target best, and was nice to look at. I really like Fleetwood Mac, and though I tried, I just couldn't get behind this. His performance seemed not well-rehearsed and not well executed. He's safe.

Jason Castro, the first of the dictorial-sponsored performers, looks like a beautiful woman that I would have sex with. His pre-song interview was about the most charming thing I'd ever seen and almost made me stop wanting to slice open one of his locks to see if I would find spider eggs inside, all lined up like pomegranate seeds. His song was as easy and as pretty as your mom. He's safe too.

Luke Menard looks like Orlando Bloom, but boy, is he stupid. He sings with an a Capella group which could very well be one of the saddest things I've heard all day. His group is called Take Six, or Six Pack, or Six of One, something with a six in it. It's unfortunately not as easy to forget his disgusting performance of Killer Queen, a song that has words that are unpronounceable and undefinable, like The Jabberwocky. He forgets the words and no one calls him on it. Go back to hell, Luke Menard. I wish he was leaving.

Oh man, do I hate me some Robbie Carrico. If he is so rock, why isn't he Rob? His hair looks like a nylon wig and I'm not at all surprised that he drag races. He vomits all over Hot Blooded, a song whose original is even a definite channel-turner. I hate his stupid fat face and I want to punch him in the underbite. I hope he goes home soon.

I like everything about Danny Noriega except his age. I wish they would move the age limit up to 19 or 21, because it's hard to think that these kids have really done anything before they hit this stage and I want them to have some chops. Danny is a lot of fun to watch, seems so interesting, and has a much better voice than most people would ever suspect. I'm glad that Simon acknowledged how much the camera loves him. I hope his great performances and his high gay factor keeps him in the game as long as possible.

David Hernandez feels the mic of Damocles. He put everything out on the stage and did a pretty great job of performing a loud, fun song. Good for him. He reminds me of this douchey kid I know so I couldn't care less if he stayed. He certainly won't win as he lacks any kind of star power and also this is American Idol so go back to Mexico, senor.

Someone told me that there was another Jason in this competition, but I don't remember who.

Chickezie sang a song. He looks like a big chocolate-dipped Carlton Banks. That's double chocolate. He's nice to look at and I am sure his song was good, but he has no force behind his voice. Everyone knows if you are going to be big, black, and sassy, you better have a belter of a voice. He sassed Simon so sweetly, I think they are dating now. As our sole brother, he'll be around for a bit.

David Cook, or as he asked me to call him, Hat Hair, played his guitar like Prince. It was better this time than at the Hollywood week audition because he rocked harder. I really love that people can play instruments this season. David Cook says things like "optimistically pessimistic" and "redundant", and I bet you have to go look up their definitions. I never knew someone could be a such a WORD NERD. I liked his performance, but I don't like that he always looks like he's about to tell someone to wash his balls. Simon hates this guy, and I'm not one to argue. He's safe but not for long because America doesn't like people who sass Simon too much.

David Archuleta. Again, so young. Five years older and I'd be his biggest fan. His voice is one of the most amazing things I've ever heard and I hope he's around to the end. I don't think I could ever get enough of that, as long as he stays on the Melinda Doolittle side of awkward and doesn't cross over into the Kevin Covais realm of disturbingly young. But man, that voice. It was incredible, and he plays it like a piano. That's the kind of voice that makes me watch this show. If I could sing like that, I'd only sing, all the time, for everything, and people would encourage me to do it. I'd live in an opera world.

Tonight, the girls compete for my iTunes dollar. If scarves are Syesha Mercado's "thing", I'm going to choke her with Jasmine Trias' flower.